Henry & Wyatt’s Birth
I believe we are responsible for our births. This belief stems from the larger belief that we are responsible for our lives. By this I mean that “the thoughts we think …the words we speak” and the actions we take create the experiences in our lives- including our birth experience. Everything starts with our thoughts. I find this belief very empowering and exciting. It makes my life manageable and also helps me to flow with life. When I remember that “it’s only a thought and a thought can be changed”, I feel able to handle any situation. Time and again, when I find things are not going well in my life- with my health, my relationships, my finances, my career- it doesn’t matter what, when I stop and get down to my beliefs and thoughts about that situation, I am able to turn it around. At the very least, I am able to flow with it positively and learn valuable lessons.I would like to share how this philosophy created two of the most powerful and beautiful experiences in my life- the births of my two sons, Wyatt and Henry. I could never have imagined the immensity of joy, strength and beauty I would feel and which I believe most women can feel if they get back to basics- their thoughts.

I found out I was pregnant just 2 months after my marriage to my wonderful husband, James. It was sooner than we had planned but we were both very excited and truly happy. I approached my pregnancy and birth as I approached other “challenges” in my life. I read everything I could find, talked to other women and soon formulated my own belief system about birth. I believe birth is not an illness or a medical crisis. It does not require complex technical knowledge. It is a natural state of health and a powerful rite of passage for mother and baby. I was strong in my desire for a natural birth at home. Just after I became pregnant, I met a woman who told me her amazing, orgasmic birth story. She inspired me to believe that, if some women have painless births, I could, too. I just needed to prepare properly. I ignored stories of trauma, pain, emergency caesareans and focused on creating the birth I wanted by getting my body, mind and spirit in the best state possible. I was determined to cover all my bases. I walked one hour every day, did yoga, meditation, visualization, perineal massage, and reiki. I planned to have loving, supportive people around me including my husband, my parents and an amazing and wonderful midwife who I trusted completely and loved like a dear friend. The woman I knew who had had an orgasmic birth had done almost no preparation, so with the enormous amount of “work” I put into my pregnancy, my over-confident and naïve attitude was, “If she can do it with no preparation, just think how wonderful MY birth will be after all this hard work!” As I went into labour, I was a little nervous but also confident, excited, and happy. I truly expected to feel no pain and to hear angels singing with celestial lights shining down on my birth.

The birth of Wyatt Alexander (7lbs. 2 oz.) was fantastic by most people’s standards- 6 hours of labour, born at home with no complications, no drugs, no tearing, no interventions. It was peaceful and beautiful. But my painless expectations were shattered by the horrible back pain which accompanies a posterior birth. I can still feel the nauseating pain if I think about it. I felt terribly disappointed with my birth experience and disillusioned with the preparation techniques I used. I thought, “If all that mind, body, spirit work can’t bring orgasmic birth, then I don’t know WHAT can!” As it turns out, this was a realization I needed. This shift in my consciousness, this surrendering of the idea that I could plan and control everything, would lead to the incredibly beautiful and nearly painless birth of my second son, Henry.

When I became pregnant ten months after Wyatt’s birth, I did almost no preparation except to plan another homebirth with the same midwife. I told myself I was too busy to prepare my body and mind or to even think about this next birth. What I was really doing was denying my disappointment and my fear of going through the same pain again. As Henry’s due date came and went, I became frustrated and angry. I know now that Henry was waiting for me to be ready and he refused to let me off the hook by being born. His delayed arrival was the catalyst for me to do some last-minute soul-searching. I found it difficult to face my feelings of disappointment with Wyatt’s birth because I had had such a “good” birth with a beautiful, healthy baby boy. I felt immature and ungrateful to expect anything better. So many woman and babies experience trauma, birth defects, or worse, who was I to ask for angels singing? But I have always expected a lot out of life and my high standards have served me well. They have always led me to greater love and personal growth. I couldn’t abandon them and I didn’t need to. What I needed to do was to stop judging my feelings and to accept them so I could embrace the deeper lessons from Wyatt’s birth. Eighteen months after Wyatt’s birth and 3 days before Henry’s, I finally acknowledged my feelings to myself in my journal and talked about it with James and my midwife, Marie. I was left feeling empty but clean. I felt a deep sense of calm. I felt strong and ready for whatever birth experience awaited me. When Marie visited the next day, she could sense the change in me. She smiled and said, “I’ll see you in a couple of days.” She is very insightful.

Three days later, I was awakened around 5am with a strong contraction. I had been having very strong Branxton-Hicks contractions for 3 or 4 weeks but they were strongest at night and would inevitably stop as soon as I went to sleep. This was the first one I had had in the morning and I was pretty sure it was the real thing. I went back to sleep and was awakened 2 or 3 more times with contractions in the next hour. Around 6 am I was feeling excited. It was still dark outside, the middle of winter, but I decided to get up and go for a walk. I slipped out of bed, put on warm clothes and quietly entered the pre-dawn twilight. It was freezing but it felt good to walk and think about my baby coming that day.

I got home about an hour later, about 7:15 am and the contractions were about 8 minutes apart. Wyatt was still asleep and James was having breakfast. I told him I thought this was it! But after so many false alarms, I was still a tiny bit doubtful and didn’t want everyone to get excited for nothing. We live on a large farm and I told him to go meet with the men but to please be back by 8am to check on me. I called Marie to let her know it was probably happening so she could make the 2 hour drive. She was bringing her 16 year-old daughter, Zoe who had never attended a birth. I was excited to include her. Marie said she would leave right away. I was alone in the house except for Wyatt sleeping soundly. I didn’t know what I wanted to do so I timed the contractions (about 5 minutes apart), stoked our wood stove, tidied the house and put on my “Eternal Om” CD which I found wonderful for centering and relaxing. I experimented with chanting Om during my contractions. I had been very quiet with Wyatt’s birth and had read about the power of vocalization so I thought I’d try it. It did feel good. Wyatt woke up and came out sleepy-eyed and ruffled. We walked up and down the hall chanting together. This appealed to his quirky 18-month old sense of humour and he giggled between chanting. It was after 8am and James was not back yet. I worried that Wyatt would want to be held soon or need breakfast and I wouldn’t be able to take care of him. The contractions were getting stronger and I was starting to have to really concentrate. But I didn’t want to call James on the two-way radio and alert the whole property that I was in labour. It felt like an invasion of privacy. An intrusion on my peaceful moment. So I finally decided to call my friend Sue at the main house to ask if she could find James for me. She was excited and offered to come over and watch Wyatt. I accepted. She and James arrived at about the same time. It must have been while I was waiting for them that the most wonderful thing occurred. As the contractions grew stronger, I remember standing in front of the CD player chanting when I felt the same familiar lower back pain- nauseating and horrible. (Henry was posterior as well). My heart sunk. I remember an intense feeling of disappointment. Then, I thought, “Well, get to work going inside.” I remember visualizing a lotus flower blooming inside my pelvis, opening my body gently. I chanted “OM” while relaxing more deeply by letting my stomach hang out like a beer gut. I literally tried to let my stomach hang down to my knees while picturing the lotus flower inside me. Its petals were unfolding beautifully. Relaxed and wondrous, I could feel another layer of myself, deep within my pelvis, softening and letting go. And suddenly, miraculously ALL THE PAIN WENT AWAY. I was surprised and elated. But it took work for me to stay that relaxed so I didn’t have time to dwell on it. Through the whole first stage, I existed in a floating state within myself of strength and relaxation. It took a lot of mental effort to stay there. Sue took care of Wyatt, getting breakfast for him and walking in the garden. James hovered around me, asking what I needed, and lighting our beautiful open fire. As I neared transition, I found it harder to remain in that wonderful, floaty place. Looking back, I can see I didn’t want to flow with my body into the next stage because I was scared I couldn’t handle the change in sensations. Everything was happening so quickly. I wanted to get in the bath so James helped me. But I wasn’t comfortable sitting or squatting in the water so the bath didn’t do much more than wet my lower legs! James sat on the edge of the bath and I hugged him during contractions while he whispered in my ear “It’s a little bitty baby and it’s about to be born.” It really helped me relax. I remember reading that rabbits are the only animals with birth canals larger that their babies so baby rabbits can just about drop out. It sounds strange but I saw my baby as a tiny little bunny about as big as my thumb, dropping out of my body. That vision, along with seeing my pelvis opening like a lotus flower, helped me stay in that wonderful place.

As I started to feel the urge to push, I got scared, felt a bit of pain and felt very shaky. I wanted to vomit and defecate at the same time. When Marie walked in, I was standing in the bath and said, “I don’t know what I want to do- vomit, poo or push.” She said, “Oh, good. I better get ready then. You’re in transition.” I felt surprised and happy. She left to get the living room ready where I would be having my baby, in front of the fire. I felt better. That little bit of positive feedback and the thought of seeing my baby soon got me back on track and the whole pushing stage was a blur of intense effort but no pain. During both births, I felt a sense of urgency during pushing because I knew my baby was almost here and the feeling of this body between my legs was uncomfortable. Not painful, just uncomfortable. James sat on the couch and I would rest my forearms on his shoulders in between pushes. When I felt the urge to push, I would lean back into a standing squat with my hands clasped behind James’ neck for support. He says it was a death grip and he’s lucky to be alive. Pushing was a lot of work but it felt so good! With Wyatt, I loved the feeling of the head crowning and stretching my tissues, and it felt just as good this time. Women describe it as a terrible burning but to me, it was blissful. Like doing a wonderful stretch when you’ve been feeling stiff.

Around 10:30 am, after about 3 hours of labour, Henry Ulysses slid out with a marvellous, slippery release. That is such a wonderful feeling! Marie handed him to me and I stood there, slightly hunched as the umbilical cord seemed too short, with him in my arms. I sat down on the floor and cradled him to my chest, with James cradling me from behind. Marie covered him with a warm towel.

Wyatt had been sitting in a chair, quietly watching and after a few minutes, came over of his own accord, touched Henry softly on the head and gave him a gentle kiss on the forehead. It was so beautiful. I felt tired and shaky but also wonderfully happy and healthy. Henry fed right away. Later, I found out he was 9 lbs. 11 oz. I couldn’t believe it! He didn’t feel like it!

I have thought a lot about Henry’s birth, about why it was so amazing and miraculous. About why Wyatt’s birth wasn’t the same when I had done so much preparation of mind, body and spirit. I believe all that I did to prepare for Wyatt’s birth was good. It brought me a feeling of positive expectation and strength. But this strength became a hindrance because it was rigid and controlling. I was too sure of what I was going to make happen. I lacked the vital second link, surrender. Surrendering allowed me to flow moment-by-moment with the Higher Wisdom of my body.

I believe strength and surrender work hand-in-hand in birth and in life. Strength of body, mind and spirit connects you to your personal power and gives you confidence and the right “tools” for your labour. Surrender comes from a position of strength and allows you to flow with the moment. It connects you to Spirit which has better things in store for you than you could ever plan or imagine!

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