Wilson’s Birth

Our first child was wanted but she was not a planned pregnancy. I had a great job and was not considering a baby for at least three to four years. This baby was conceived despite using two methods of contraception. I was at least insightful enough at the time to acknowledge that this baby was meant to be here and in fact had chosen us!

I was a victim of sexual assault in my youth. The assault made intimacy difficult. I was very needy and believed I was unworthy of love. After counselling and within a very loving relationship I finally felt comfortable with my role in a sexual relationship. Once pregnant I did not think I needed any more counselling, I was open and honest, and that chapter was over. I was unaware that the physical birthing of our first child would be the biggest hurdle yet.

Despite the odds, it was the birth that made my healing complete and transformed me into a strong survivor of sexual assault. This transition would not have been possible without the amazing care of my midwife and the decision I made to give birth in the safety of my home.

It took me nearly two months to accept that in fact I was pregnant and that my life would change dramatically. Like many pregnant women I read avidly. I also pondered on the experience of friends. Most of our friends had taken what they and many others saw as the best choice money can buy — private health insurance and being cared for by a private obstetrician in a private hospital. The majority of them had had woeful experiences. Some of them cited the main reason for choosing this care was the five-night holiday in the private hospital, and particularly the last night option of dinner at a premiere restaurant.

Don’t get me wrong I love luxury and being pampered, but to me whilst it is important to have good support (especially in the early post natal period) during pregnancy and birth. Birth seems to me to be a woman’s most important physical and emotional event. After extensive research, (with the World Health Organisation backing me up I chose the best quality and safest care possible (as long as I remained healthy and had a normal pregnancy), which was one to one midwifery care. The intensive, one on one support from early pregnancy until six weeks after the baby was born, with all visits and the birth in the comfort of my own home, was to me the ultimate in pampering and as it turned out the very best in care.

My husband and I first met with our midwife after work one evening and loaded her with questions. I was flawed at how calm and confident this woman was. Of particular importance was that she demonstrated she believed in my ability to have a “beautiful birth!” Gee, none of our friends had ever used those two words together. I had only heard the horror stories. After she left both my husband and I agreed that we could grow to trust this woman and we had a strong positive feeling about her. Visits continued at times that suited both my husband and I. Our midwife answered every question we asked and provided a wealth of reading material. My pregnancy remained ‘perfectly normal’ and I felt wonderful throughout the pregnancy. Although I had a demanding job I remained at work until nine days before my official ‘due date’.

Although our midwife was very much our health professional we also felt she was a friend. She was aware of our family relationships and demonstrated what we wanted from her care and how (under normal circumstances) we would like the birth to unfold.

Like most parents to be we were excited. Through the care we received we also felt empowered. Our midwife provided us with full and frank information and never made a decision for us. As we talked about the information she would discuss the decision we needed to make. These decisions included: whether or not to have an ultrasound; our feelings on transfer to hospital for other than necessary medical intervention; our thoughts on a how I would give birth to the placenta; and if we wanted to administer Vitamin K to our baby soon after birth.

Although there have been no studies to determine the safety of routine ultrasound, we decided on one scan. Everything was normal. I was surprised that my dates (that is, the timing of my menstrual period) were far more precise than that of ultrasound ‘dating’. A scan will give a date with an error of plus or minus two weeks. I knew when my last period was; I was also fortunate enough to have a very regular cycle. So I decided that I knew my body best and would not turn to a machine that relies on a statistical average to determine when my baby would be born.

Many women and men say seeing their baby on a video screen for the first time is amazing and that they feel they need to have a ‘first photo’. I too thought it was amazing, but felt a little guilty that I was peering in on the quiet, dark and secret world of my child. I was far more impressed with what happened later on. From around thirty weeks my baby and I would communicate when I first lay down in bed. I would ‘talk’ to our baby and stroke my belly and ask it to ‘talk back’. This little soul would kick and rumble at the move of my hand. This was far more thrilling to me than the ultrasound.

We discussed that at home there would be no option of pain relief. I was very happy with this. While researching I learnt that water was a very effective form of pain relief (particularly deep warm water). I decided I would set up a pool to labour in and perhaps give birth in.

During my pregnancy like many women I had avoided alcohol and drugs of any kind. I did this for the benefit of my baby. I knew that drugs crossed the placenta and would therefore react within the growing environment of my child. Although at that time I had not experienced labour I saw the use of drugs in labour (particularly an epidural) as having the same dangers. I felt it was hypocritical to have one standard for pregnancy and a different one during labour. I decided that my pain and its intensity could be managed if I approached it in a positive way.

I believe I had the very best support I could from a highly skilled midwife who was there solely to care for me. By choosing to give birth at home I would be maximising my comfort levels; no one who was not invited would be present. I was in my environment and I was in control. I felt that the pain of labour, although unknown, would be positive, ending in the ultimate prize. By this stage I saw birth as a very intimate experience and I could not understand how women were able to give birth in the company of strangers.

I started early labour over the long weekend. I had a ‘show’ (the passing of a mucous plug that protects the cervix). I had very mild contractions and I was excited. Late on the Monday evening I had reasonably regular contractions. I called my midwife. She said she would come early the next morning. She arrived just after 7 am. My contractions stopped! I was mortified, I felt like a fool. I had called her out for nothing! She suggested I get some rest, which I tried. My mother had come down for the birth and my husband had stayed home from work. After a short rest with now irregular contractions, I decided a walk would help.

On the second long walk regular contractions returned. I now needed to stop and hold onto something (as it turned out a gate post or even my midwife, who was out walking with me). During this walk we talked about how powerful my body was and how I knew it best and that soon I would be meeting my child. I will never forget this ‘walk and talk’. When I drive past the spot I stood with a monster contraction, I have tears of joy in my eyes.

By 5 pm on Tuesday, my contractions became more intense. I laboured through the evening. I was active in labour by standing upright and pacing around the house. Unfortunately (as we had a small house) we decided to dismantle the pool. It was however beautiful to ‘wallow in’. I lost all sense of time as the contractions took hold. I dozed in between them, as by now I had not slept properly for a day or so. In the early hours of the morning I was ‘losing it’ the pain was intense and I was having a very disturbing experience. I was reliving my sexual assault. I felt like I was on the edge of death and spiralling down and out of control. I did not cry or scream I did not swear. I moaned that primal wounded moan (many women make sounds like this, but my midwife sensed more).

At the time I was unaware of it but my midwife cleared the room, giving my husband and mother a break. She sensed that I was having a problem ‘letting go’, surrendering to the amazing power of birth. She thought that perhaps I needed to share something with her that I couldn’t with either my mother or husband. She was right, if only I could find the words.

She first asked if I would like to have a shower and get some heat onto my belly. I did this and it felt good. I then came back to the lounge room (which was the birth room). Both my husband and mother were still gone. My midwife then held me and said, “tell me what’s inside your head? What’s happening?” I was in no way wanting to hide what I was experiencing but at this time I did not have the words. How did I explain that in my mind my death was imminent? How could I explain between contractions that I was hovering up near the ceiling looking down on my pathetic figure, a classic out of body experience! (Of which I had never had nor have had again.) There simply were no words for this.

My midwife still looking into my eyes asked if on the next contraction I would like to push. To that time I had had no urge to push. At this time she really connected with me. I came ‘down’ from ‘above’ and met her stare. Her voice was soft yet confident; she bought me back where I needed to be, back to my body. Although I did not know it I had an anterior lip (my cervix was not yet fully dilated). Directed pushing on a cervix that is not totally dilated can cause problems and is normally not advisable. My midwife (without telling me) had decided that if I focussed on my labour and addressed what was psychologically restraining me ‘head on’ I would dilate quickly and “get on with having a baby” (as she later put it.) My only words were that of fear.

I had never thought that the sensations of birth would evoke such primal feelings and have such a link to the assault. I do not believe it was the intensity of the contractions but more the sexual and raw nature of birth. The extreme pressure in my ‘tail’ convinced me that if I pushed I would blow myself up. I had an image of a basketball that is over-inflated. One push and bits of me would fly all over the room! These were the words I managed “Oh but if I do that you’ll be picking bits of me off the wall.”

My midwife looked into my eyes. She acknowledged how real that felt and assured me that would not happen, even though she understood I didn’t believe her. She held my hand and asked me for a ‘little push’ on the next contraction. At that moment I felt like I was jumping off a cliff, but she was holding my hand, and although I felt out of control, there was a voice behind me reassuring me of a safe landing. It was the trust in my midwife that ensured the safe landing. I did the work, but my midwife made the environment ‘safe’. At this stage (although I was unaware of it my mother and husband returned at this stage)

Again I only found this out later, but in the next six minutes my cervix dilated fully and I got on with having a baby. My midwife did not believe in directed pushing, she was very supportive of women doing what their bodies needed to do and believing that women themselves knew this. With my assault experience I needed some help to get over the psychological hurdle for my brain to trust in my body to open up and to again confront that extremely vulnerable time of full exposure.

I have no doubt that without my midwife knowing and trusting me and caring for me in such a loving way that at this time my labour would not have progressed and surgical intervention would have ensued. I also believe that I never would have had a natural birth in hospital (particularly if male health professionals were present).

Once I started working with my body I can honestly say I enjoyed it. I jumped off the cliff, landed on a mattress and was ecstatic. My body was still working hard and it was moderately painful, but I was powerful, I was winning!

I pushed for nearly three hours. One tiny regret I have is that after standing for nearly thirteen hours I sat down and reclined on the beanbag to birth our first child, a daughter. I had a second degree tear, of which I knew instantly. Our midwife guided my husband closer to me so he could ‘catch’ his own child. It was amazing. For me it was euphoria. At that very moment Xena-Warrior Princess flashed before me. I had gone to battle but I was victorious. This was the day of healing. No longer was I a scared child, powerless, dirty and unloved. I was brave, strong and beautiful. I had done this, but my midwife had enabled it, she was as the word midwife means, with woman. My midwife was with me every step of the way, she believed in me and through that although it was the greatest test of my life I believed in myself.

Within the first hour of birth I said, “Wow, that was a rush, I’ll be doing that again!” I also looked at my midwife and said, “You did that four times!” So I suggest that I was realistically blending the pleasure with the pain.

On further reading I was so pleased to have given birth naturally. Not so I could print a T-shirt bragging about it, but because I allowed the amazing cocktail of birth/post-natal hormones to play out their role untouched. I read that although they are very powerful and are interacting at a time when the body is working at an amazing level, they are at the same time fragile. The introduction of synthetic hormones (when a woman’s labour is induced or sped up, known as ‘augmentation’) totally interferes with the body’s natural oxytocin. Oxytocin is known as the love hormone. I t helps couples fall in love, remain sexually attracted and it is also the hormone that enables a woman to fall in love with her baby soon after birth. Oxytocin is also produced when breastfeeding. It is a wonderful ‘love drug’. I was amazed to read about the oxytocin and it’s amazing benefits, as I had no knowledge of it at the time, but now understand why I felt so good.

The birth of our first child was the most exquisite experience. I was in my home surrounded by my family, being loved and being cared for by a midwife I had got to know, trust and by the end love!

Charlotte’s Autobiography
Charlotte Wilson lives in a close-knit community with her husband and four children. She is a passionate advocate and believes life needs be simplified with a focus more on family, love and friendships, rather than the individual pursuit of wealth and consumer goods. She works when she can within the non-government sector, ‘trying to re-install a sense of community and make the world a better place’. She hopes her children will understand what she does and why, resisting the temptation to write a book about their crazy childhood later on…

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